If you’re on the fence about whether or not to take the plunge into beardom, here are ten reasons you should.
1. It’ll Help You Appear More Masculine
This isn’t to say that you don’t appear masculine without facial hair, but just to help you appear more masculine. Even having a 5 o’clock shadow will help you score big points in the manliness category.
I mean, just look at Leonardo DiCaprio in The Great Gatsby. Totally clean-shaven and he looks like he’s barely out of college. He was almost 40! Then look at him in Django Unchained, released one year earlier, and he actually looks like a grown man.
I get it, sometimes you want to look younger, but younger usually means more boyish and less manly.
2. You’ll Actually Brush Your Teeth For A Full Two Minutes
C’mon man, just think about it. If you aren’t spending needless amounts of time shaving in the morning (or at night, for you night owls) then you’ll actually be able to properly brush those teeth.
If we’re being honest, a lot of you aren’t hitting that proper two minute mark (seriously, go ahead and time yourself next time and you’ll realize how long two minutes is). OR, if you’re not too keen on getting a proper brushing in, you can use your newfound time properly maintaining your newfound mane.
Maybe work some beard oil into that thing and show it off.
3. You’ll Be Able To Infiltrate The Russian Monarchy
It’s no secret (and if it was, it isn’t anymore) that Rasputin famously infiltrated the late-Russian monarchy because of his killer beard. If you’re not familiar, between 1906 and 1916, a man named Rasputin infiltrated the Russian royal family and effectively bent them to his will as a result of his massive wizard beard.
Purportedly, it gave him massive psychic powers and allowed him to heal others around him. Other Russian nobles were becoming increasingly jealous of his imperial fuzz, so they decided to kill him. He was poisoned with enough cyanide to kill an ox, but he lived. Then he was shot twice but survived both gunshots. Finally, he was bound and dumped into icy Russian waters, where he finally died.
The lesson here is, if you want to live forever, never shave your beard.
4. People Will Think You’re Attractive and Healthy
This one is actually true.
According to a 2015 study by the official journal of the Human Behavior and Evolution Society, which is a psychology journal, found that men with beards are perceived to be both more attractive and healthier. That’s right, you’ll look sexier and people will think that you even feel better than they do. I mean, that’s a power move and all you have to do is not shave.
The study also found that people will think you have better parenting skills if you have a beard. Why? I don’t freakin’ know, I’m just telling you the science. It’s evolution, man.
5. There’s a 50/50 Chance You’ll Be Confused For A Very Thoughtful Person
That isn’t to say you aren’t already a thoughtful person (we here at Mission Beard know you are), but it’s not exactly a secret that some of the biggest thinkers of Western Civilization had beards.
I mean, having a beard is practically synonymous with philosophers. Whether it’s Karl Marx, Socrates, or Plato, it’s clear as day that the brains are being fed by the chin hair.
Combine it with a pensive expression and people will be flocking to you for your wisdom.
6. You’ll Be Able To Start A Fire If You’re Lost In The Woods
We suggest this only as an absolute last resort because we don’t want you to a) be in this sort of situation or b) shave your beard at all. But sometimes reality forces us to make tragic decisions.
If you’re lost in the wilderness and you don’t have a way to get a fire going, say because the grass is wet with dew, you can take a fistful of your facial hair and use it to start that fire.
Don’t have any matches? Just strike your thumbnail on the stubble you left behind, that should do for a man like you.
7. You’ll Scare A Bear Away If You’re Lost In The Woods
If you end up encountering a bear in the woods, hopefully it’ll be before you rip your beard off to start a fire, because (as everyone knows) bears are scared to death of men with beards. Why? I don’t know, I’m just telling you that’s how it is, okay? Is it because there’s only a one-letter difference between the words “bear” and “beard”? I don’t know, probably, sure.
If upon encountering a bear it isn’t immediately frightened, simply pull out your boar bristle beard brush and say “you look like you could use this”. That bear will apologise to you (in English) and promptly run away.
8. Lower Risk of Throat Disease
Yes, as crazy as that may sound, it’s actually true. Similar to how the hair in your nose acts as a filter to the air you breathe in, your beard acts as an external filter
If you’re in a home with allergens like pet dander, your beard will naturally catch those things as they float around your face, preventing them from getting in your throat and lungs when you inhale. It’ll work the same way with pollen, too.
The only catch is you’ll need to properly maintain it, which isn’t nearly as much work as you think it is.
9. Use Less Sunscreen
This is one of my favourite benefits of a beard.
When the sun is shining and others are getting sunburnt cheeks, yours will be safe beneath the canopy of your beard hairs. Since your beard covers about half your face, you’ll be using half as much sunscreen, which will also help your wallet. Or, if you want that tan, just let it ride.
Only do this if you’re committed to the bearded life, though. There are few things less embarrassing than shaving and leaving behind the ghostly outline of a beard that once was.
10. Save Money, Duh
It isn’t exactly a secret that razor blades are expensive. I mean, why on earth would you want to spend over £100 per year on razors when you could just…not. Instead of throwing that money away on not having a beard, you could instead invest less than half of that money into your beard’s health.
What to do with that leftover money? I don’t know, I’m not your accountant.
